Kimmel, who hosts a late-late talk show on ABC, took over hosting duties from “Saturday Night Live’s” Seth Myers, who had attendees rolling in the aisle last year. But Kimmel was no slouch.
Jimmy Kimmel’s Press Dinner Jokes
On Obama’s term in office: “Mr. President, remember when the country rallied around you in hopes of a better tomorrow? That was hilarious.”
On Vice President Biden: “It’s kind of hard to be funny with the president sitting right next to you looking at you. But somehow, day in and day out, Joe Biden manages to do it. I wish he was here and could sit behind me and fake clap like he does at the State of the Union Address.”
On Democrats: “Uggie [the dog] is amazing. He can roll over on command. He’s a Democrat.”
On the Secret Service: “I have a lot of Secret Service jokes. I told them for $800 I wouldn’t tell them, but they only offered 30.”
On the media: “What’s black and white and red all over? Nothing anymore.”
On Rick Santorum: “It’s one thing to oppose gay marriage, but it’s another thing to do it in a sweater vest!”
He zapped everything from the president’s ears to Kim Kardashian, and opened with one aimed right at the president.
“Good evening ladies and gentlemen, distinguished guests; Mr. president, shalom.”
Mr. President, I know you won’t be able to laugh at any of my jokes about the Secret Service, so cover your ears if that’s physically possible,” he fired off.
Mixed in were the usual subjects, Mitt Romney, crazed right-wing Republicans, Democrats and the target of the moment, The Secret Service.
But first the important stuff. “As you know now last year at this dinner President Obama had a team on the way to kill Osama Bin Laden. So who will it be this year,” he asked.
“If you’re looking for the biggest threat to America right now, she’s right there. Her name is Kim Kardashian,” said the 44-year-old television host.
“When you took office, the Kardashians had one reality show — now they have four. This is not a good trend,” he said looking pointedly at the president.
Kardashian and her momager Kris Jenner were invited by Fox News. Kim is one of the most polarizing figures in pop culture right now after her fiasco of a marriage to baskeball player Kris Humphries.